praising God from an empty womb

21 Comments , , , ,



This past week brought the unwanted reality that once again.... my womb is empty. 
This month the news crushed me more than normal for reasons I can't quite pinpoint. 


The days in the wake of this are always my toughest of the month. 
I grieve the child that never was and long for different circumstances. 
I have to let go of the dream that the tables had finally turned.
My body screams in anger for the long-awaited baby to fill it. 
My tear ducts pour with no manual off switch. 
I have to get myself together again and again and again. 
I have to will myself to go one more month hoping and praying that this will be the one. 


Thankfully here lately those days have fallen mid week.
They usually lend themselves to shutting myself in, shedding lot of tears, staying away from Facebook, taking numerous hot baths, and sleeping every chance I get. 


Unfortunately this month wasn't so kind.


After the Saturday evening letdown, Sunday morning came too quickly.
There I went passing through person after person kindly asking "How are you?"
How could I tell them that I was actually a wreck? That it took all I had just to get there?
There I went finally making it to my seat... only to look around and feel completely surrounded by expectant mommas and cuddly babies. 
How could I tell them they had everything I longed for? That I'd give anything for what they have?
We hadn't made it to the chorus of the 2nd song before the tears came. I couldn't seem to stop them.
My heart was broken. My body aching. My womb empty.
Empty.
Still empty.


How? Why? When? Will? 
The questions pilled high in my head as "All Because of Jesus" played in the background.


I never got those answers.
But the worship band transitioned... and the words came, 
"Jesus, He loves me,
He loves me,
He is for me.
Jesus, how can it be,
He loves me,
He is for me." 


I don't get how Jesus loves the mess of girl I am right now and I don't get why in all is power He's not giving us a child.
But if we needed to know all the answers to praise Him, the praise would never come.

So while I don't know the reasons and I don't get the pain, I will praise Him. 
With tear-filled eyes and a broken heart, I'll praise Him from an empty womb.


Not because it makes sense.
Not because the longing is gone.
Not because the promise has been fulfilled.


I'll praise Him because He's God.
Because He's good.
Because He loves me. 


With tear-filled eyes and a broken heart, I'll praise Him from an empty womb.
"I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth."
Psalm 34.1 


signature

CONVERSATION

21 comments:

  1. Lisa @ Amateur NesterMarch 3, 2015 at 8:37 PM

    I just found you via A Short Blonde's blog. I'm so sorry you're going through this struggle, too. You have written a beautiful post here, and I'm looking forward to seeing what God does through you and for you. Blessings to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ElishaMarch 4, 2015 at 12:58 PM

    Hey girl! I just found your blog via With Great Expectation and I'm so glad I did! I too know your struggle. I've been trying for seven years. You have written such beautiful words and please know that I'm praying for you today!

    I blog over at waitingforbabybird.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. Brandy MillerMarch 4, 2015 at 6:22 PM

    Hi Lisa! Thank you for stopping by! I'm heading over to browse your page now :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Erin ToewsMarch 4, 2015 at 6:41 PM

    such raw emotions. thank you for sharing. I said a little prayer for you before this comment.


    I found this post on the Peony Project.

    ReplyDelete
  5. alyssa nicoleMarch 4, 2015 at 6:54 PM

    You got this, girl. It's going to be hard but you can be brave and march on till your womb is full of life and love.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Brandy MillerMarch 4, 2015 at 7:07 PM

    Hi Elisha! I'm so glad you stopped by. I'm so sorry to hear that you've been waiting for your precious baby that long. Praying for you and heading over to your blog now!

    ReplyDelete
  7. ChristieMarch 4, 2015 at 7:14 PM

    It's hard to praise Him sometimes when times are tough. I always think of Job in the Bible, "Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." He is God and deserves our praise no matter what. Well said!

    ReplyDelete
  8. AbbyMarch 4, 2015 at 8:45 PM

    I'm so sorry for your pain. I miscarried nearly three months ago and, after a couple months of feeling "normal" again, this past week has been rough. I'm praying that you'll find peace and contentment during this season of life.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Brittany BergmanMarch 5, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    It is so, so hard to face people -- especially women who have babies -- right after that disappointment. It's so hard to build up the hope to be let down every month. Thanks for sharing your heart as you walk this road.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Brandy MillerMarch 5, 2015 at 1:42 PM

    Thank you Erin. <3

    ReplyDelete
  11. Brandy MillerMarch 5, 2015 at 1:56 PM

    Yes! Such a great verse... have you heard the song that Shane and Shane did on that verse. love it... except for the 500 tears that come every time it plays. Ha

    ReplyDelete
  12. Brandy MillerMarch 5, 2015 at 1:57 PM

    :( I'm so sorry to hear that Abby. Praying for you right now.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Brandy MillerMarch 5, 2015 at 1:59 PM

    Yes yes it is. But I'd rather do that and be defeated than grow numb and not expect Him to answer every month. Neither option is fun but I'd rather get my hopes up. The facing people is the most difficult. Even now, my cycle's over and I still feel myself resisting seeing anyone.

    ReplyDelete
  14. RosemarieMarch 5, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Oh Brandy, how my heart breaks for you...month after month. And when I saw you in church Sunday morning, and we embraced, and you were so upset, I just wanted to sweep you away to a quiet corner, give you a big hug and let the tears flow. There is no shame or embarrassment in the uncontrollable tears that come, sometimes without warning or even when we least expect them. In a separate post, you mentioned the 16th disappointment. You KNOW I understand that feeling. After 70+ disappointments of my own, I can tell you that I do understand. All the feelings you are dealing with, the pain in seeing pregnant women and babies all around you...and I know it seems like they are EVERYWHERE...like raindrops, you can't seem to dodge them. It's painful, but know that God is making you stronger and changing your life for what is yet to come...whatever that may be. Everything happens for a reason. And HE is that reason. As difficult as it may be for you to see now why you are having to go through all of this....down the road, when things fall into place the way He intends them to be, you will be able to see the magnitude of His plans for you and your life. In the meantime, know that I am here for you. Any time. To listen. To cry with. To comfort. To talk with. To just be.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mandi RoachMarch 5, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    God's Word has so many wonderful verses to comfort and encourage through anything we might face in life. I love when he illuminates certain scriptures to me that stand out for the specific trial I am facing at any time. Believing God for anything in life grows and strengthens our faith. The more we wait for it, the more our faith can grows. God gave us an awesome promise in Mark 11:24-"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

    One thing He doesn't promise is to give us what we've prayed for when we want it. We have to remember that God doesn't operate in the finite realm of time like we do. He sees things long term so to Him our prayers are already answered, even if we can't see it in the natural yet. We are to walk by faith and not by sight, so once we pray we should believe that it is done.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Brandy MillerMarch 6, 2015 at 7:33 AM

    Thank you so much sweet Rosemarie. I had been dodging many people and conversations on Sunday for fear that I would lose it. I specifically came to you for a hug because I knew for just those few seconds, someone would understand. Someone would ask how I was and get it when I said it had been a rough week. <3 Thank you for being that for me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Brandy MillerMarch 6, 2015 at 7:37 AM

    I often turn to Scripture for comfort and truth. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing that.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AliMarch 11, 2015 at 3:21 PM

    I've read your blog before and it breaks my heart that you feel so sad. I am just glad to know that God is with you and He is taking care of you, and that when it happens, it will be because you are more ready than you are now. I will keep you in my thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnnMarch 14, 2015 at 1:03 AM

    Such beautiful words! I felt the same this week when it turned out we still didn't create our little bundle of joy. Thank you for sharing such wisdom in difficult times. God bless!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Brandy MillerMarch 17, 2015 at 3:32 PM

    Thank you Ali <3

    ReplyDelete
  21. Brandy MillerMarch 17, 2015 at 3:32 PM

    It's a feeling like none other Ann.... glad you could relate.

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments ( Atom )
Back
to top