A Sweet Aroma

Yes you read that right! God has indeed blessed us with Baby #5! While the short story there is that Joel and I felt a conviction from early on not to prevent adding to our family and God decided now's the time, we all know I like the long version of stories. For the context of this one, I'm going to rewind to this time last year.

Last Winter into Spring God was doing a work in my heart on accepting His cup for me and being grateful instead of grumbling and that really set the stage for so much to come. In May, Joel was away on a mission trip to Brazil and as I prayed throughout his trip, I felt like God kept putting on my heart that I needed to be joyfully ready for us to step out in faith into the next season of ministry. The key word there was joyfully.

For the last 7 years Joel has worked at our church as the Missions & Outreach Pastor. He loves his role there and has a really cool and unique job. We love our church dearly and our church community has truly become family to us. For the last few years, we've had people ask when we were going to plant a church because that's just part of the culture at our church and they could see Joel's passion for preaching and shepherding. Some others would ask when we would head overseas to be missionaries because they could also see his passion for the lost around the world. We'd expressed many times that if and when God wanted us to do so we would but that we didn't feel like He was leading us that way at the time. All that to say, when I started to sense God was preparing me for a transition, I knew I could be ready... but I knew being joyful about it was going to be hard.

As I drove to pick Joel up from the airport late that night, I begged God to help me be joyfully ready. I had butterflies in my stomach thinking he was going to get in the car and tell me that we were moving to Brazil. But that's not what happened. All summer I waited thinking that any day he would come home from work and tell me that it was time. But time went on and that wasn't happening.

Still yet, all Summer, God was prepping me. When I would have time to think or long times in prayer I felt like God continued to remind me of so many specific details about every time He'd asked me to step out in faith. I was flooded with memories of how He provided when I moved to Delaware as a single 22 year old to be an intern at LifeHouse Church. He reminded me how He guided us when we thought we were supposed to go help church plants on two different occasions but He closed the doors for us and then opened a door for Joel to be on staff right where we were. I remembered how when we were outgrowing our 2 bedroom farmhouse right as covid was coming along, He provided a house we never thought we could afford. I remembered how we pleaded with God for local family to help supplement since most of our family lived away and He gave us the sweetest of people to love us and our kids. On and on it went as I remembered His faithfulness and I kept feeling like He was encouraging me that He would be faithful again.

On the Sunday of Labor Day weekend, I was home with sick kids. Joel came home from church and we were discussing the sermon. Our pastor has been preaching through the book of Matthew and that Sunday was talking about disciples following Jesus wherever, whenever, and in whatever. Joel nervously shared with me that he'd been really convicted and that while he didn't know where or what, he felt it was time for us to being willing to step out in faith for the next season of ministry. I think he was waiting for the pushback to commence. I could have certainly argued that with 4 little kids and him finishing his last year of seminary and me just finally getting back to normal health it was not a great time. But God had been so gracious to prepare me and I instead just laughed and told him that I'd been waiting 3 months for him to tell me this. Turns out that during his trip to Rio a couple conversations with a missionary there started his summer of preparation and God had been graciously prepping us both without either of us knowing about the other.

The next few months are kind of a blur. We prayed about and explored many options. We continued to ask God to put in front of us what He wanted us to walk towards and remove what He didn't. Within in about a month we realized that it was indeed church planting we were called to and within another few months we knew it was somewhere in New England and then within the next couple months we had settled on Maine. It's been an incredibly humbling journey and one that's kept us dependent in prayer step after step. But through it all, God has been so faithful.

We were about 2/3 of the way through that narrowing down journey and knew we would be moving to somewhere in New England this year when a friend of mine asked me if I was nervous to get pregnant knowing what the year ahead would be. I was so thankful that in that moment I could honestly reply that by God's grace I wasn't nervous. In the weirdest way, us not trying to control the timing of our children has been so freeing for us. I think partially because God has just given us peace that this is the journey He has us on specifically. I shared with my friend that I knew God knew the exact month we would move and also the timing of our next child if He chose to give us a 5th.

That was the place God had graciously brought me to the last week of February. I was on my second week of weight watchers mainly trying to lose the weight I gained in January from being stuck on the couch in appendectomy recovery. The more disciplined I tried to be, the hungrier I was. I've done WW many times and that's typically not the case for me so I was starting to be suspicious of my ravenous cravings. Then the nausea kicked in and I was falling asleep quite early at night.

I had told myself I'd wait til the weekend but on Thursday the 29th, I woke up just ready to know. Sure enough those 2 lines popped up before I could even lay the test down. Leap Day came with something extra to leap about. Joel had been up late doing school and up again tending to an awake kiddo so he was sleeping later than usual. I just left the test on the bathroom counter for his wake up surprise. He came downstairs and chuckled and said "we're just going to do all the big transitions this year." Haha. We proceeded to tell the kids who were all very excited. Levi fell in the floor with excitement. Malachi just emphatically said "It's a boy!" and Cora Mae argued that "It's a girl cause her (me) is a girl. When is she going to come out?!" Haha.

I'm 13 weeks and Massey Ruth is starting to get it now but she's the most baby obsessed child we've ever had so I literally can't even stand how sweet she'll be as a big sis. Levi and Malachi are desperately hoping for another boy to add to their brother pack. Cora Mae is probably the most affectionate this go around and always warns Massey Ruth to "be easy with the baby." I have a feeling we're going to have to set timers to pass this babe around for turns.

As far as future plans, we're hoping to move this summer in late July or August and I'm due November 4. Thanks to a nurse friend, I've already found a hospital and a practice that I'll hopefully get to deliver with in the Portland area. And for some added fun with this little tie breaker we're doing something we've never done.... we're not finding out the gender til birth!

That's certainly enough details for one post. We're grateful so grateful. This walk of faith we're on is one crazy ride but we know and love and trust the One who leads every step.

Philippians 2:14 -- Do everything without grumbling or arguing...

Even as I type this in a silent room, I hear my kids say it loudly in my head. We spent a few weeks in the late winter memorizing this verse and talking through how we could actually apply it. My kiddos are rambunctious and ornery at times but for the most part, they're fairly obedient considering their ages. But often times in their obedience, they were complaining and grumbling about the task before them. I realized I had allowed this, out of laziness really, for far too long and it was time to break the bad habits we'd fostered.

Well in the beautiful and yet painful way God often does, while I was training them, He was training me. The more we stopped our day to recite that verse because they needed reminding, the more God nudged that I too needed reminding.

The conviction came through many avenues and from every angle. Through books I read, through a session at our Women's conference, through Scripture in seemingly everywhere I turned, through practical examples with the kids, through a seminary wives class lecture, through conversations with friends, and through time in prayer, the message was loud and clear. I had not only allowed this bad habit in my children, but worse I had allowed it in myself and for far too long. So long, in fact, that it had become normal practice.

What in the world was I grumbling about you might ask? To be honest, for the most part, things I'm quite embarrassed to say. Upon assessing it wasn't anything monumental or even the strange health issues that seemed to fuel the bulk of this grumbling. My complaining mostly came out of the roles and responsibilities of myself and of my husband. Roles that I'm so so thankful for. Roles that I wouldn't trade tomorrow even if offered. But roles that nonetheless bring responsibilities that sometimes overwhelm me. Still yet, I knew there was a difference in recognizing the hard amidst the joys rather than dwelling on the frustrations. In triumphing in the gifts rather than grumbling about the pains.

The final dagger that pushed me to take some intentional steps was in a chapter about gratitude in the midst of our suffering when Elisabeth Elliot said this: "I think we could divide the world into two classes: the people who make a habit of complaining about what they haven't got or they have got and those who make a habit of saying 'Thank You Lord' for what they haven't got and what they have got." Yikes. Deep down I knew I was a grateful person and often times I expressed that out loud. But those closest to me, and more importantly my God who knows every thought, knew that complaining had certainly become a habit. And it was a habit I desperately desired to break.

Through prayer and conversation and the Word, I decided that the month of May was going to be a reset and I was not going to allow myself to grumble.... not about the weather or a lack of sleep or our crazy calendar or, the big one, my husband's two week mission trip. This didn't mean I couldn't acknowledge something was hard or disappointing but that I couldn't dwell there and in place of my grumbling I was begging God to make me overflow with gratitude.

It was an incredibly humbling and sanctifying month for sure. I began to realize how tempted I was to grumble over the silliest of things. I realized how often I'd been keeping a tally of frustrating moments from my day just to answer "how was your day?" with. It's truly pathetic when I think about how sweet my life is. Honestly, it's embarrassing enough that if I didn't feel certain God was asking me to share this, I'd just keep it all tucked away in my journal. But here's the amazing thing... God answered that prayer and He answered in a deeper way than I could have ever expected.

In the beginning it seemed I was constantly aware of yet another time that I had to swallow my grumbling but, just as most habits go, the more I acknowledged what was frustrating me, prayed about it, and sought something to be grateful for, the more routine that became. By the end of the month I found myself often times being able to skip the steps and immediately jump to gratefulness. I also realized that not every frustration is even worth voicing out loud or worth more than a passing thought in my mind. It's been a humbling journey but a freeing one. And one I know I will likely be on for the rest of my life. Some days took much more intentionality and prayer than others and sometimes I downright failed, but God was always so faithful to remind me of the grace we have any Jesus. That grace reminded me that this wasn't a "strike three and you're out" situation but a "forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead" (Phil 3:13) situation. I was also so thankful to be joined in the journey by two sweet friends who shared they also desired to grow in the same areas. Among us, we would share verses or songs or thoughts and committed to pray for each other along the way.

Here are a few of the biggest truths I've learned (and am still learning) in the process:

-- Colossians 2:6-7: "So then, just as you have received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, being rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, and overflowing with gratitude." It's no surprise that the more rooted I was in studying and memorizing Scripture and focusing on who God is and all He's done for me, the more I overflowed with gratitude. It was easier to be rooted in that when I was in routine and had set time in the Word and regular worship with believers. I had to fight for this much more the second half of the month when I was traveling and Joel was away. But even when "rooting" couldn't be as extensive as I desired, I could always find ways to fix my eyes where they needed to be when I made an intentional effort.

-- I realized that I was most tempted to grumble when I felt overwhelmed with the task(s) before me. This forced me to choose to do one (or more) of these three things: (1) Ask someone for help. (2) Ask God to increase my capacity. (3) Acknowledge that He'd already provided what I needed and that I should accept that and proceed thankfully and joyfully. -- Most of the time... I found number 3 to be true. Certainly there were times I needed to ask someone for help, especially when Joel was gone. This is not my favorite thing to do but I realized that if I just go ahead and ask when I start to feel overwhelmed it goes much better than me spiraling and getting frustrated and then trying to kindly ask for help. And there were definitely times that I needed God to increase my capacity and give me patience and perspective. But more often than not, He'd already provided what I needed and I needed to focus on that and move forward. Ruth Chou Simons said this and I found to be incredibly true during this time: "If I trace every complaint about my circumstances back to it's origin, I find that my addiction to productivity, efficiency, and comfort are always at the center of my unhappiness." Yet in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 we're told, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

-- Philippians 4:8: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. " -- Refusing to grumble outwardly pretty quickly diminished my grumbling inwardly. In those moments I knew I could dwell in misery or choose to take every thought captive, pour out my sorrows/disappointments/frustrations in prayer, and remind myself of the truth from His Word. God is good and He loves me. He alone is enough to satisfy my every need. There's nothing more true and just, lovely and excellent to dwell on than Him.

-- "When we rightly understand gratitude, it can have a cascading effect as it nourishes the growth of other virtues." - Mary K Mohler in Growing in Gratitude -- I found (and am still finding) this to be very true. As my gratefulness increases so does my joy and patience and gentleness.

-- Grumbling is contagious... but so is gratitude. I can't even begin to describe how evident this has been in my home. Grumbling feeds grumbling in thought life, our conversations, our attitudes and on and on. The more I grumbled, the more I grumbled. But the same goes for gratitude. Gratitude feeds gratitude. The more grateful we are, the more grateful we'll be. Lord, let it be.

-- There's truly always something to be grateful for. As believers in Jesus Christ, even if we had nothing else to be thankful for, we have the greatest redemption ever to be thankful for. We were "rescued from the domain of darkness and transferred to the kingdom of the Son He loves. In Him we have redemption, the forgiveness of sin." (Colossians 1:13-14) I loved this quote from Thomas Watson that says, "If we do not have what we desire, we have more than we deserve."

-- There's a motivation beyond just holiness. While that is a worthy and right motivation, beyond that Philippians 2 tells us that as we restrain from grumbling and arguing we will shine as lights in the world. "Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world." Philippians 2:14-15

I am certainly not saying that I never talked about or worked through things that were hard. I don't think pushing struggles away and never processing them in prayer and conversation is healthy mentally or spiritually. I did find though that there's a definite difference in doing that in healthy way verses making complaining and grumbling the accepted tendency. As I think about many of the Psalms, especially David cries out to God in his agony and laments and lays all his disappointments and questions out there. But we always see this cycle of David not staying there but coming back to the truth of who God is and of His steadfast love.

I could tell you story after story where my tendency would have been grumbling but instead God gave me gratefulness. I am praying that He continues this work in me and hopeful that some bad habits have been broken and new habits taken root. This month of intentionality changed so much of my perspective and my guess is that some of you may be reading this desiring a similar shift. If that's the case I'm going to put the specifics of our "Gratitude Over Grumbling Challenge" below so you can tweak it and make it your own.

"You have turned my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness that my glory may sing Your praises and not be silent. O Lord, my God, I will give thanks to You forever!" -- Psalm 30:11-12

Gratitude Over Grumbling Challenge Details

One month of no grumbling and instead seeking to be grateful in all circumstances. Obviously we want this to last longer than a month but a solid month of focusing on this seemed to help break some of those bad habits.
Prep - Pick a month. Commit to making yourself a student of gratitude. I dug for Scripture about thankfulness and made notes to refer back to when I needed extra grounding. I also committed to reading a book on gratitude for the month and found that helpful. I read Growing in Gratitude and that was a great read. I also highly suggest Suffering is Never for Nothing or Calm My Anxious Heart. I also made a Gratitude playlist that was on repeat the month of May and found this very helpful to constantly keep my thoughts in check when I was driving or doing dishes or making breakfast.
Accountability - Tell those who are closest to you and especially those you tend to grumble to what you are doing. Ask them to help you remember to look for ways to be thankful instead of grumbling. Chances are that even if they don't ever have to remind you, simply them knowing will help you not jump to old tendencies.
Pray pray pray. I can't reiterate enough that this was a work of the Spirit and not of my flesh. There's no amount of willpower that could have flipped my thought life like that. Pray before you start and at the beginning of each day and every time you're tempted to grumble. I tried to journal prayers of thanksgiving every 2-3 days. This is a habit that I'm keeping on my weekly calendar now that the initial month is over. It's so helpful for me to reflect on the week and see all the things I can be thankful for. Colossians 4:2 says "Devote yourselves to prayer. Stay alert in it with thanksgiving."
Team up. If you have a friend or a spouse who expresses interest in joining you, it will certainly make the journey more enjoyable to be able to share what you're learning and pray for each other.

If you decide to take this on, please let me know! I'd love to join you in prayer!

A few questions I asked when the month was over:

When was I most tempted to grumble and how did I combat that?
What worked in those times when I overcame grumbling and exchanged it for gratitude?
What did I realize needed to change in the times I completely failed?
What other benefits did I find by not grumbling and being grateful?
What do I want my continued habits to look like going forward?

About a year ago we had our annual Women’s Conference at church and after spending a glorious weekend worshiping and learning and fellowshipping and praying, I really felt like God was encouraging my heart to “settle in.” If you followed my pregnancy updates or latest birth story at all you know that this last year and a half my mysterious health issues have been a challenge. I was about 7 months into them at the time of that conference and to be honest the last thing I wanted to do was “settle in.” I’ll spare you the details of all the symptoms and many doctors appointments and medical tests I’d already had done but in essence I felt like I was trapped in a room with no exit and I was frantically trying to find a way out.

That weekend God convicted me and reminded me that I needed to seek Him more than I sought answers and give more weight to His guidance than guidance from medical providers and be constant in prayer more than constant in researching. It wasn’t that I necessarily needed to stop going to appointments and seeking answers and even researching but it was that those needed to be in their proper place instead of the all consuming focus of my life. I needed to willingly surrender to where God had me in that season and trust that He was enough for me and He was still showing His steadfast love to me even in the midst of a trying season.

Fast forward and now here we are a year later. Similar symptoms and still no real answers to this medical mystery. In that time my body has given birth, nursed a babe, gone through plenty more testing and tried more potential solutions. I’ve had months with lots of appointments and months I just had to take a break from them all. I’ve had time I felt functional and had the capacity to do what needed to be done and times where I’ve not been functional enough and lacking in that capacity. Spiritually I’ve had times where I sought God’s face and felt total peace with where He had me and times when I threw an adult temper tantrum begging for relief or answers. And through it all He’s held me in the palm of His faithful hand. Through His Word and His people and His presence, He has encouraged me and held me up.

Most recently, that encouragement came through the book of John that I’m studying with some other moms of littles. In the midst of cleaning up potty accidents and bouncing babies we dug into the story of Jesus in the garden as He was being arrested by the soldiers in John 18. Jesus had told the disciples many times at this point what was ahead (the cross) and it even says in v4, Then Jesus, knowing everything that was about to happen to him, went out and said to them, “Who is it that you’re seeking? ” But Peter, being the zealous and maybe impulsive disciple he was, sliced off the ear of one of the guards. Now we know from other gospel accounts that Jesus heals this man’s ear, but Jesus also rebukes Peter in v11. At that, Jesus said to Peter, “Put your sword away! Am I not to drink the cup the Father has given me? ”

That last line has been lingering in my mind for some days now. “Am I not to drink the cup the Father has given me?” The suffering that was ahead of Jesus was more than anything I’ll ever encounter and held magnificently greater purpose than anything in my life ever will. In fact, that suffering that was ahead of Him rescued me from the eternal suffering I deserve. Yet, while the magnitude of His suffering and the deep purpose of it certainly could never compare to the mere physical ailments pestering my body, I’ve been deeply convicted. If the Lord Jesus in all His power and deity and foreknowledge could walk willingly and submissive to the Father determined to drink the cup of suffering before Him, then certainly by His Spirit inside me, I can willingly and submissively reside is a season that I don’t prefer.

One of the other things that occurred to me as we studied this is that we know from the other gospel accounts that just before Judas and the soldiers showed up in the garden, Jesus was praying that God would take away this cup. “Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me — nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” (Luke 22:42) Here lies our perfect example in facing anything we wish we weren’t — Christ asking the Father to take the cup in full belief that He is able, yet also simultaneously desiring the Father’s Will above His own.

I don’t know what purpose God is working out right now and why He has allowed me to reside in this season. I can look around at many other “cups” and wonder why God has my sisters and brothers drinking those as well. Ultimately He has the power to remove any cup and I am invited to pray boldly and ask Him to do just that. But the heart posture even in my asking should be “nevertheless, not my will, but Yours be done.” Nothing changes for me in a practical sense. I’m still seeking Him on direction in this journey and still asking for healing or answers or both believing that He’s fully able to do so. What does change is the posture of my heart and the acceptance of His cup when I submissively and willingly say “Am I not to drink the cup the Father has for me? Not my will but Yours be done.”

And even as I do drink a cup I don’t desire, I have so much I can look around and be thankful for (a list that could be a long musing by itself.) But number one at that list is something we see David pray in Psalm 16:5-6: “Lord, you are my portion and my cup of blessing; you hold my future. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed I have a beautiful inheritance.” Regardless of the cup we hold (of which I’m sure mine seems like tea with honey compared to some of yours), we as believers of Jesus Christ also have the Lord as our portion and our cup of blessing. Because of the cup Christ drank, I have a beautiful inheritance in Heaven where there are no cups of suffering to drink and the peace that comes with knowing that truth is unmatched by any earthly relief.

For I consider that the sufferings of the present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is going to be revealed to us. — Romans 8:18

In the beautiful way that God does, He reaffirmed this in my heart now three weeks later while reading Suffering is Never for Nothing by Elizabeth Elliot (which I 100% recommend). Finishing up the chapter on Acceptance she says “Whatever is in the cup that God is offering to me, whether it be pain and sorrow and suffering and grief along with the many more joys, I'm willing to take it because I trust Him. Because I know that what God wants for me is the very best. I will receive this thing in His name. I need pain sometimes because God has something bigger in mind. It is never for nothing. And so I say Lord, in Jesus' name, by Your grace I accept it.”

Around this time last year we found out that our sweet surprise was indeed a girl and would even the Miller family count. It’s hard to believe that the tiny baby in that picture is who we now know as our lovely Massey Ruth. We’ve been snuggling her in our arms for 7 months now so it’s well past time that I get her birth story documented.

(read the story of us finding out I was pregnant HERE and the story of her gender reveal HERE)

---

This pregnancy was quite different than my others. My health was a struggle and had been before I even got pregnant. We had already began searching for answers for my extreme fatigue and weird hip issues beforehand (along with a host of other things) and it seemed even harder to find answers as a pregnant patient. But thankfully in the midst of being passed from doctor to doctor and test to test, Massey Ruth was always healthy and seemed completely unaffected. From a pregnancy standpoint, there were no issues. And we were very grateful for that.

As I neared the end of pregnancy with still no answers and some tests that needed to wait until after birth on the agenda, my midwife started talking about induction options. She felt confident I would induce easily given it was my 4th and I had induced successfully with my first (at 34 weeks due to preeclampsia). But I certainly prefer more natural routes over medicated ones and after having such a smooth birth with Cora Mae (yes even in the van), I struggled to consider forcing my body into something it wasn’t ready for if the baby wasn’t showing any signs of needing out. My midwife was open to going as early as 37 weeks and attempting more natural methods of induction but I knew the longer we could hold out the better off baby would be and the more likely I was to not need pitocin. We decided to just take it week by week but knowing that induction wasn't an option at 38 weeks because that was VBS week and the majority of our support system would be tied up every evening.

Here’s a couple things for context before I begin the ups and downs of those final days with our sweet girl on the inside. First, my prior two pregnancies I experienced prodromal labor… which is essentially contractions that come in waves but are patterned and increasing in intensity and last through positional changes but never get close enough or strong enough to cause actual dilation. With Malachi I had this for almost 2 weeks before we kicked real labor into gear with some adjustments and castor oil and lots of prayer. With Cora Mae it lasted about 4-5 days before it slightly shifted and then BAM quickly shifted. Which brings me to my second note for context, Cora Mae’s labor turned on a dime and I gave birth to her in the back of my minivan on the side of a major highway 6ish minutes from the hospital. And the combination of these two past experiences definitely heighten the drama on the “am I in labor?” game.

June 17th | 37w6d

I had an appointment with my midwife first thing that morning and we made a plan that to check me and make a decision on induction the following week at my (almost) 39 week appointment. Afterwards we were supposed to be heading to the beach for the day as one final beach trip before baby. The next few hours were hectic to say the least. Our grocery order got delayed and eventually had to be cancelled so we stopped to grab groceries for the cooler to take on the beach. We (our 5, my mother-in-law, and our friend Liv) were spread between two cars to get to the drive on spot and then all piled in the truck for a very bumpy drive out onto the beach. I joked that this would be what put me into labor. We got on the beach and started setting up but we started being bombarded by flies like we’d never experienced before. We hoped that as we pushed through and got set up they would leave us alone…. but they didn’t. They were biting us all… like to the point my ankles were bleeding. Levi’s crying saying “This is the worst beach day every.” It’s comical in hindsight but in the moment was miserable. To add to the saga, the wind kept blowing down our umbrella’s and we were getting nowhere with getting set up. At some point Joel finally called it and suggested we load back up and head to the boardwalk for the afternoon. Pizza and rides and ice cream certainly got us over the frustrations of the morning.

As we’re eating ice cream I had a couple painful contractions (unlike the Braxton Hicks ones I had been having for a few weeks) and felt some sort of a pop. When I went to the bathroom I was quite wet. Now mind you, it was mid June and in the high 80s. I was almost 38 weeks pregnant and we have 3 other kids we were taking care of and our entire day had been fairly chaotic. All that being said, I to this day feel quite confident it wasn’t from sweat or urine but in the midst of that crazy day who really knows. We got loaded up to head home and I continued to have contractions every 10 minutes or so on the drive. On one hand I could easily assume that the wild day we had put me into labor and it was go time. On the other hand, I feared that it might be the beginning of prodromal labor.

After talking with Kristina (the friend who delivered Cora Mae ha), I decided to eat some food, take a shower, and go to bed. I knew that if was the real deal they would wake up me and I wouldn’t be able to lay through them. But that never happened and after about 24 hours of contractions coming consistently but never picking up speed or intensity enough to head to the hospital we made the assumption that I was indeed in prodromal labor again and that my experience on the boardwalk must have been a partial water break or a surprising contraction with some leaking.

The next week was a wild ride of rising and then dissipating contractions, VBS every evening, and exhaustion on an entirely new level. The worst was that at some point every night (usually between 3 and 5am) I would wake up to contractions that kept me awake for an hour or two but would never force me out of bed in pain. I’m not normally one who’s desperate to be done being pregnant but that week certainly had me at my breaking point.

June 24th | 38w6d

My midwife checked me and I was “maybe a fingertip dilated” and she was unable to strip my membranes. Cue the disappointment. I knew this didn’t mean labor wasn’t soon as I had a similar experience with Cora Mae but I had hoped to be dilated enough for her to do a membrane sweep and know that if I did opt for induction I wouldn’t need a foley bulb (used to get you to 2-3cm). In the least overstepping yet pushy way my midwife highly suggested we schedule my induction for her hospital day on the 29th when I would be 39 weeks and 4 days. I have a great relationship with my midwife and really trust her opinion and she really respects my desires. She was willing to let me go to 40 and 5 (her next hospital day) if I chose but she knew that with all of my health issues, the added stress of prodromal labor had me in a very unwell state. We decided to schedule a “natural as possible” induction for the 29th with the agreement that if I changed my mind I would just cancel it.

The next few days consisted of prepping my body for labor as much as possible: ball sitting, magnesium, a pedicure, lots of Indian food, red raspberry leaf tea, and numerous adjustments. It also consisted of lots of mental debate, prayer, and conversations about whether or not I should actually go through with the planned induction. I’m incredibly thankful for that group of people that wrestled through those days with me with much grace and understanding for my constant indecisiveness. While I can’t possible describe all the pros and cons of each way, I’ll give you a quick view of the things swirling in my head….

No induction. — I have a deep nerdy love for natural birth. Call me old fashioned. Call me crunchy. I find it beautiful and miraculously designed by the Creator. If not for medical issues I would absolutely go for a home birth. And even though Cora Mae’s birth was wild, I got to experience a birth with no intervention and it was so smooth and part of me just wanted to have a similar experience again. (Just not in the back of my minivan. 🤣) I also am just a firm believer that labor goes smoother when your body is ready on its own time and statistically, induction increases the risk of c-section. All that being said, in normal circumstances, I try to push induction off as long as possible in hopes of giving my body the best shot of going into labor on my own.

Induction. — The key in that last statement there is “normal circumstances” and very little about my body had been normal for the previous year. The roller coaster of health issues I had been through was difficult to explain, especially given that it’s yet to be diagnosed. I was beyond exhausted between the health issues, constant appointments, parenting the my 3 littles, and now prodromal labor on top of it. To add to that, I wasn’t sure how my body was going to respond in labor given the state of my health. And all of that together made me extra desperate for my midwife to be the one there for the delivery. She knew my health situation. She knew my birth desires and respected them. And I trusted her enough to know that if she told me interventions were necessary, then they were.

Normally when I need to make a big decision, I feel like God makes it abundantly clear. But I wasn’t getting that clarity this time and so I decided on Monday that we would proceed as scheduled unless the Lord made it clear I shouldn’t.

June 28th | 39w3d

With induction scheduled for the next day, I wanted to take the day with the kids to have some fun and enjoy the time with them as much as possible. We went swimming with friends and soaked in our last pool day for a while. After dinner we took the kids out for ice cream and stopped by the store for the makings of a castor oil milkshake. That had been enough to kick my prodromal labor over the hump with Malachi’s birth so I was open to trying it again.

After we got the kids down to bed, we watched the finale of a Chopped tournament on food network that one of our friends was competing in. While watching I was drinking raspberry leaf tea and pumping to try to get contractions stronger before I did the shake. But unlike the few times I had done that over the weekend, my contractions didn’t change much. At that point I considered just forgoing the castor oil but decided it was worth the shot.

I finished the castor oil around 10:30 and that began a good bowel cleanse and some intensified contractions. I gave it some time to make sure they would remain intensified before I started timing them but they continued to be 2-3 minutes apart and strong enough to be uncomfortable.

June 29th | 39w4d

Around midnight we decided we'd rather go sooner rather than later and not play the "when should we go in" game all night. This decision was even easier given that Joel's mom was in town with us and ready to go on kid duty at any moment. Once we got to the hospital they checked me and determined I was 2-3cm. This was great progress from Friday and made me very encouraged that I wouldn't need a foley bulb even if my contractions did slow down. But thankfully they didn't and the nurse informed they would get a 30 minute strip on baby and send me to walk for a little while to help progression.

During that 30 minute observation, they noticed Massey Ruth was having some decelerations on the monitor that they weren't comfortable with. They had me do some positional changes and such but were still concerned enough to make me hang tight for monitoring. Around 3am they decided to go ahead and admit me. Her decels were less frequent but she didn't have the variability they wanted to see. By this point my concern had turned to frustration if I'm being honest. Laying still in a certain position for the monitor to read through contractions on the triage stretcher bed was quite uncomfortable and I was completely convinced (and still am) that her heart rate was "off" because of the strange positions they had me in that I never lay in. Also they used their concern to force me to have an IV put in even though I didn't need any medicine currently. I tried to explain that my veins are very finicky and often blow and I haven't had great experience with them in the past but she wasn't hearing of it. I digress.

Once they got me upstairs to the floor my nurse was much more compassionate about my "birth wishlist" and assured me that they would have me up and out of bed as soon as they could. I stayed on the monitor and worked through contractions laying down for next couple hours while Joel tried to sleep a little before I needed him. I felt the need to pee every 10-15 minutes because of contractions and fluids and also still drinking water and eating ice. I would try to put it off as long as possible because I hated paging my nurse that often but the more I would put it off the worse the contractions hurt and the longer this went on, the harder it was to manage them in the bed. Around 5-5:30 I finally called my nurse in and told her I could no longer lay on my back and if they could get me positioned with the monitor sitting up then I would try to stay as still as possible but I needed at change. At that point she felt Massey Ruth's heart rate looked okay enough to try the portable monitor. This allowed me to get out of bed and work through contractions sitting on the ball and standing and brought about so much relief for me in working through contractions.

At this point, my friend Kristina texted to check in and we discussed her getting ready and heading on in the next bit. Shortly after the contractions intensified and I had to wake Joel up to start helping me through them by letting me rest against him between and rubbing my back during them. After about an hour out of bed the nurse came in and said that Massey Ruth's heart looked great on the monitor and didn't seem to be having any issues. I felt SO THANKFUL that she was doing well, the portable monitor was working (they can be quite finicky sometimes), I had a nurse who cared about my preferences and my baby's health, and that I was able to manage contractions out of bed. At that point I started napping between the contractions every time I could get a chance and soon after Kristina arrived with coffee and a warm hoodie for Joel since I was freezing him out ha.

I continued resting between contractions. My new nurse had come on and she was great and so supportive of me laboring out of bed in the calm and quiet with my worship music. My midwife also came by and said she didn't even want to check me or mess with my water breaking until she did rounds on her postpartum patients because she felt confident transition would be quick. She also said that she was so glad when she saw I was admitted and had come on in the night before because apparently there was a bit of a baby boom that morning and some of the inductions had to be cancelled due to capacity. (Thank you Jesus and castor oil! HA) By the time she left I was really ready to get in the shower so my nurse capped my IV and taped me up. During the wait we also sent Joel to grab some CFA for breakfast. At this point I was incredibly relaxed. Water is such a relief to me in labor and I actually laid my head over on the metal bar and slept for a bit. Joel returned and yes, I did indeed eat my chicken biscuit sitting on the ball with my back towards the shower. It was right about that time that my midwife came in and was ready to get things moving. She found it quite comical and also very typical of me to find me chilling in the shower eating CFA. She knows me well.

Around 11:15-11:30am, when she checked me I was only 4cm. I KNOW you're not supposed to use the word "only" there but that is certainly how it felt. I had been having contractions every 2-3 minutes for about 12 hours at that point and I had only progressed 1-2 cm since they checked me around 1am. But... this was similar to what I did with Malachi too and while I'm thankful that castor oil can push me over the hump of prodromal, it's still certainly not the same as my body going into labor because it was ready. She broke my water and I got back out of bed and swayed through contractions while she and I chatted. Even during those first few contractions after my pain had gotten much worse and I could tell I really needed to get in the zone of working through them. She left saying she was certain it wouldn't be long and she'd be back in soon to catch her and I just hoped she was right.

I headed back to the shower to sit on my ball and focus on managing pain. By 11:50 I was moaning and really starting to feel the intensity, especially in my back. After several contractions standing and sitting in the shower I decided I needed to try something new because the water was no longer giving me any relief. I went and got on my knees on the bed and laid over my ball (the position I was in when I gave birth to Cora Mae) but after 2 contractions I couldn't even manage to stay in that position. I hopped off the bed and was squatting in the floor and I said to Joel, "I don't know if I can do this." At that moment he knew we were very close. I was feeling pressure and communicated that so they pushed the call button. But even then I was doubting if it could actually be time. I remember Joel saying that it was probably time and me saying "There's no way. I was only 4cm just 45 min ago." He comically replied "What do you mean there's no way? We had our last one in the car on rt 1." Valid. haha.

Kristina encouraged me to get back up on the bed because I felt "pushy" and as soon as I climbed on the bed on all fours, I knew she was coming out. Joel ran in the hall to get someone, anyone (because him and Kristina had got their fill of catching last time haha). Thankfully the nurse made it in as her head was coming out and was able to catch as I gave one more push. She was born at 12:26pm. My midwife made it in a couple minutes later and joked that I really must not want her to actually catch my babies haha.

The relief that came in that moment with her out and safe and hearing her sweet cry and having her snug on my chest drinking in her lovely features is really indescribable. I get emotional even trying to relive it here 7 months later. So much gratitude. God had faithfully brought she and I through a very trying pregnancy and tiring prodromal labor. He had blessed us with an incredibly smooth labor and delivery overall and the most fitting birth team. The flood of thankfulness can't even be expressed.

We tried to soak her in as much as possible in that next 24ish hours of our time with just her. She was (and still is) just the sweetest little thing from the very first moment. The next day we brought her home to the most giddy, obsessive, loving big sibling trio you can possibly imagine. They were insanely nuts about her (like unmanageably so) and still are quite often. She's got a fan club for everything she does. Lately she's been blowing raspberries on command you'd literally think she did a tumbling pass in the olympics when it happens. It's overwhelming sometimes but goodness it's adorable to watch them love her so immensely. Watching them meet Massey Ruth was truly one of my favorite moments of my life.

Our precious Massey Ruth is such a special gift from God. We feel this way about each of our children but she's and extra reminder of God's grace and goodness. He gives the most gracious perfect gifts even when we don't even cognitively desire them. We've been quite open about our personal conviction to surrender the number and timing of our children to the Lord but it doesn't mean we still don't in our flesh have preferences. With my health issues and trying to get to the bottom of them, my preference then would have been to wait a bit before getting pregnant again. But praise God that His infinite plan is bigger than my finite brain. I can't imagine life without our sweet Massey Ruth. We've enjoyed her so so much and she's such a blessing to our family. We are so grateful that God would give her to us to love and disciple.

Levi's Birth Story

Malachi's Birth Story

Cora Mae's Birth Story

It's been an exciting few weeks around here as I hit 22 weeks today and a little over halfway to seeing this babe face to face. Two weeks ago our church celebrated 10 years since it's launch and it was so amazing to spend time reflecting on God's faithfulness to me personally and our church family over this past decade. It's still hard to believe that I moved to DE 9.5 years ago excited to join what God was doing at LifeHouse Church and that 9 years ago this month I met Joel for the first time. As a girl who lived by a "10 year plan" prior to God's calling in 2012, it's amazing to look all He's done in the last 10 that I would have never dreamed of, let alone planned.
We came off of that celebratory weekend right into another one in which we got to meet up with family and do a joint gender reveal with my sister. As soon as I my mom found out my sister was pregnant a few weeks after I did she immediately said "maybe we could do a joint gender reveal!" That sounded like a super fun idea but given that my family lives 9 hours away, all our schedules seem to be opposite, and my sister and I ended up being 7 weeks apart, I thought there was no way it could actually work out. But when my sister started mapping out when she would hopefully get her early blood work results and I would go for my 20 week anatomy scan, they both lined up in the same week and before a weekend where everyone's calendars were free. My mom and sis have always wanted us to do Great Wolf together sometime since they know the kids love it but have never been so we started seeing if we could find any deals and sure enough there was a great sale running right when we needed to book. There was still a part of me that couldn't believe it would actually happen and we'd both get our results in time but I was excited at the hope of it.
On Thursday morning last week, I went for my anatomy scan and was thankful baby cooperated for them to put the gender in . We left immediately afterwards for Williamsburg but were still awaiting my sister's results. Once we got there she called her doctor's office to have them give the results to Liv (our designated secret keeper) but they didn't have the results. We were disappointed but decided we'd wait til Friday to give it one more day. We had started getting dressed for the waterpark when about 30 minutes later Kate's doctors office called to say they got her results! It really is crazy how it all worked out and it was so so fun to get to find out the results all together.
My mom had made the kids all shirts that said Big Brother and Big Sister and they got to open gift bags revealing whether they were getting a Baby Sister or a Baby Brother --

The boys excitedly pulled out a PINK onesie - BABY SISTER!! 💖My niece (and sis) pulled out a BLUE onesie - BABY BROTHER!! 💙
Both dads got what they were hoping for and it was so fun to see their excitement! But my mom was the giddiest of all and still can't watch the video without crying.

Massey Ruth | We've had this name picked out for a girl very long time. Joel and I met at a Bible study at a friend's house on Massey Church Rd. It also happened to be the road I lived on while we were dating and engaged. I lived in a carriage house on a beautiful property there while I nannied a sweet baby girl and we got to have our wedding there. Given that we met and got married on that street, we've always wanted to incorporate Massey. Joel's great-grandmother's name was Ruth and she was a missionary to Morocco. To us it's so special that her heart for missions was a legacy for Joel and we're excited to give that name to our daughter. Joel's sister Jessica's middle name is Ruth also which just adds to the sentiment. Massey will be another double first name just like her sissy. Her anatomy scan showed that she's around 1 pound which is right on track! She's so wiggly and I'm loving feeling all her kicks. (Yes it's still weird to me to say HER.)

Momma | Everyone keeps asking if I'm shocked we're having another girl and the answer it YES. But unlike the last time, my surprise came in layers and not in one major moment. From before I was ever pregnant again I immediately assumed our 4th would be another boy. I've always imagined myself as a mom of lots of boys and honestly never imagined us having a balanced number of boys and girls. This assumption only deepened when I was craving cheeseburgers like I did with Malachi's pregnancy.
The first thing that made me start to question this was my 16 week scan at our local pregnancy center where they are training ultrasound techs. Even though they weren't looking for gender (because we told them not to) one of trainers ended up landing on a potty shot while getting one of her needed views. It was brief and I'm not an ultrasound tech but I couldn't help but notice that it looked like a girl and not a boy. So I of course googled and in doing so came across the Nub Theory which I don't remember seeing before. It has to do with angles of the spine and the genital nub that you can see as early as 12 weeks if at the right angle. Looking back at our ultrasounds that too made me think maybe we were indeed having a girl. I honestly was excited to not feel so one-sided on my guessing because then I knew I would be thrilled AND surprised either way.
In my 20 weeks scan, I told them I only wanted the gender in an envelope and didn't want to know in the room so she had me turn my head while she scanned legs and anything in that direction. She'd told me I could look again and was back to the abdomen to get a few more things. A few minutes later I saw her notating "RT OVARY".... bahhh. I tried to turn my head and pretend I didn't see but then she said "Yeah we don't look for them but since I can see her ovaries I'm going to go ahead and note them." I'm not sure if she was talking to me or the tech she was training but AHHHH haha. I was laying there in the room trying to contain my surprise and excitement. She never acknowledged that she goofed and neither did I but my thoughts began racing of another baby girl. By the time the boys pulled out a pink onesie, it was just the formality for me but I really enjoyed getting to take in everyone else's reactions a little more since my surprise had already happened.
I really didn't have a preference but I'm definitely getting excited to have another sweet girl, watch the sister bond, and enjoy all the matching sister outfits. Physically, I'm not feeling great but I am feeling functional. We had some sickness in our house this last week and while it' passed fairly quickly for each of us, it was definitely a major setback in fatigue for me. I'm only nauseous if I let myself get hungry so I'm thankful for that.

Daddy | Joel is so excited to be having another little girl. He's said from the beginning that he would love for Cora Mae to have a sister close in age like the boys have each other. Cora Mae is quite the Daddy's Girl and I imagine Massey Ruth will be the same. Joel actually was very surprised when the boys pulled out the pink onesie. I had told him after the ultrasound that they slipped and showed me reproductive organs and I was pretty sure I knew what we were having. He requested I just not say anything and just have him find out for sure in a few hours. I was really glad because I wanted to see his surprise in the moment.

Big Siblings | The kids are all very excited to be having a little sister! The boys had initially voted boy but by within the last few weeks they'd joined Daddy in saying the hoped Cora Mae got a sister. Levi resolved that it was great either way because if it was boy then they would be "really in the lead" (4-2 because they include Joel and I in their count) but if it was a girl we'd be tied and Cora Mae would have a sister buddy. Malachi says "Massey Roof" soooo cute in his little three year old voice and I'm excited to hear that hundreds more times. While in the beginning Levi was way more affectionate and excited than Malachi, he's definitely caught up now and is constantly coming up and loving on my belly and talking about Massey Ruth in there. Cora Mae seems to be understanding more and more. Now she randomly and without prompting will want to kiss my belly and say baby over and over. I'm working on teaching her to add "sister" to that baby.

To sum it up, we're all very excited and a little in shock to be welcoming another girl in the Miller home! We are so thankful for these 4 precious gifts God has blessed us with.
My random polling question -- Did any of you who wanted to be surprised end up finding out in the room accidentally?

Subscribe to: Posts ( Atom )

featured Slider

Life, Faith, and Baby #5

Gratitude Over Grumbling

A Cup Given to Me

Massey Ruth's Birth Story

22 Week Update | Baby Miller #4

about me

like us

instagram shots

search A Sweet Aroma