All the New Beginnings

As most of you probably know by now, Joel and I felt led by God early on to leave the timing and amount of children in our home to the Lord’s planning. This has never been a "hard rule" for us and we've always acknowledged that we felt sure God would put us both on the same page if we were to ever take on a prevention method. But for us, we've always had so much peace and freedom in just simply leaving it in God's hands knowing that He has purpose and provision for every child He gives us. 

For many reasons, both of us kind of wondered if Ezra might be our last baby. Part of it was just simply a feeling of overwhelming love and obsession for him. He was the sweetest little babe and we were so thrilled to have another son. It was the first time I'd ever thought that if this were my last, I wouldn't be devastated. I think part of it was definitely out of overwhelm. While adding a fifth kid to our home was amazing and not a huge transition for us, it was definitely different having him fresh into our move to Maine and our church planting journey. I think the biggest factor for me though was the trauma that came from his really rough go with RSV. Having him hospitalized for a week and in ICU really rocked me and I really struggled to get over the stress of that for a bit after we got home. 

All that being said, these had simply been passing comments of "maybe he will be our last" or "maybe God will give us peace about preventing" but nothing ever even close to definitive. We were actually on a family outing in early April and one of the kids asked if we would have more. I answered that we would see what God gives us but probably. Ha. Joel mentioned that my answer seemed to have changed and I just honestly said "I can't imagine anything better than this and I can't imagine not accepting more of these sweet babies if that's what God desired to give us." As the fog of those first few months had cleared, I had come back to the same peace that God has always given us. 

Well a week or so later that peace really got put to the test. Ezra was only six months old and my cycles hadn't be regular but certain things had me wondering if I was pregnant. I took a test from a fellow mom friend while at a play date and sure enough, there were 2 lines. We were honestly in shock a little. I've never gotten pregnant before my baby turned 1 and usually it's closer to 18months. I for sure felt surprised and overwhelmed but also strangely at peace. We always knew there was a chance of less space in between but the reality of (what would have been) a 14 month gap and another fall/winter baby did seem quite crazy. I went for bloodwork the next day but my HCG was 0. There was no sign of a baby from any of my hormones. We're not sure if it was a false positive or a chemical pregnancy or really what to make of it. That whole experience really made us acknowledge and pray through the reality that we might have a closer gap than we have in the past and that we needed to come to terms with that or pray for direction about prevention. After conversations and prayer, we landed right back in the same spot that we always have... God has asked us to leave this in His hands and we feel so much peace about that. 

Late July came along and my cycle was late again. This time when I tested positive, neither of us were in denial. Of course in the midst of a mad dash of preparations to get set for Sunday services and lots of commitments in late summer/early fall, there was definitely some overwhelm and exhaustion. But I was so thankful for God's confirmations that He had brought us right back to over and over and for this precious baby growing inside of me that I get the chance to grow and love. 

After confirming through bloodwork that all was on track, we told the kiddos that weekend. I made a little scavenger hunt where they had to find clues.... all containing things with 6 in them including "Miller Kids".... in the last envelope they had to figure what all the things had in common. Malachi was the first to put it all together and immediately said "You're pregnant!!!" If you know our kids at all, you know the immense excitement that erupted! Our kids are still beyond thrilled! 

I'm due April 7th and now 17 weeks along. I'm starting to feel some flutters here in there when I actually sit still for long enough. Thankfully most of my nausea has passed and I'm on to the "out eat a teenage boy" phase... especially anything that involves buffalo chicken. Joel's not too sad about that pregnancy craving. The hardest part of this pregnancy has for sure been the exhaustion. Ezra went from being our best sleeper to our worst sleeper when I was about 7 weeks along so that has definitely added to it. He's still insanely adorable though and we're soaking in his babyhood extra knowing he won't be the littlest for long. All in all though, things have been really smooth and I'm thankful to be settled in with the same OB office from last time as well as my amazing chiropractor who keeps my back pain at bay. 

We've decided to wait to find out the gender until birth again. I loved it last time and Joel admits that it was more fun than he expected it to be. The kiddos, my sister, and several friends aren't too thrilled about this decision but they'll make it haha. Joel and Levi are hoping for another boy, Malachi and the girlies are hoping for another girl, and I feel very neutral and thankful that we don't have to pick! 

In the words of Levi "Mommy,  you always wanted a big family... and now you have us!" And even just typing that makes me teary eyed. Am I tired? Yes. Overwhelmed? Daily. But boy do I feel so so very blessed to get to do life with this husband and these kiddos that God has so graciously given to me.... every single one of them.