I'm a week of shy of being away from this little space on the web for a year.... Yes. A whole year.
On a practical note, I lost my domain (asweetaromablog.com), as well as most of my traffic that had built up for years, and even more of my creative brain cells to the little munchkins I love so much. It seems my mind is always spinning but I've never been one to write a post in multiple sittings.... and it's hard to type out one train of thought in one sitting with a 3 year old and a baby who rarely sleep at the same time.
From a life standpoint, a lot has happened in this last year. Like more than I can really even summarize in a sweet little paragraph. We had our precious, squishy Malachi (on his due date, without induction --- thank YOU God!). Did lots of trips to VA (3 of those for funerals). Got to be part of a huge ministry project with our church. Celebrated Levi turning THREE. And countless other significant but not simple to define highs and lows of this crazy year.
I've missed this space. I've missed writing. As fun as it is to share life, it's even more therapeutic for me to write and reflect. So here I sit at Starbucks, laptop out, struggling to get back into this groove. I think when you spend much of your time, conversations, and thoughts sidetracked and tending to littles, it's hard to stay in one lane when they aren't around.
As I think about this year and all that has transpired in my heart and mind, I can't help but feel like it's a repeat but deeper push of what He's been showing me my entire life:
He is sovereign. He is faithful. He loves me. He is enough. He is everything.
This year has honestly rocked me... in a really hard way and yet somehow a beautiful way. I've felt emotions ranging from deep remorse and overwhelming anxiety to the purest of peace and the pinnacle of joy. Often all in the same day.
I'm not nearly as good at mothering two as I thought I'd be. Yet, I feel incredibly honored to love and parent our two lively boys. I'm selfish in ways that I'd never noticed until now. Yet, I feel thankful that God continues to break me and mold me as He does. I struggle with how little (notable productiveness) I get accomplished in one day. Yet, I long for more moments to sit and enjoy my kids at this stage. I am not immune to waves anxiety because of my love for God and His Word. Yet, I am held by His grace and made peaceful by His presence. I am not defined by my motherhood even though it is my main responsibility right now. Yet, I am most effective in my motherhood when I am satisfied with my identity being in Christ alone. I feel sporadic and busied with the many things I am reflecting on. Yet, I'm at such ease realizing (like He always does) that God has spoke so much to my heart this year.
I could go on with paradoxes like this... but they all come back to the friction of my fickle flesh steadied by the constant of God's goodness and truth.
The first week or so of May always ends up being reflective for me. It's memories and anniversaries also hold some of my highest of highs and lowest of lows... the anniversary of my Dad and Grandfather's passing (2007 & 2014), the last no of infertility before our yes (2015), the dedication of our Levi (2016), the celebration of a full term pregnancy (2018)... all echoing the same truth from God:
He is sovereign. He is faithful. He loves me. He is enough. He is everything.
I have lots I'm hoping to unpack as I reignite this place of musings... Malachi's birth story, battling anxiety, loving an addict (even after they're gone), studying God's Word instead of just reading it, deeper fellowship & deeper joy, pockets of bliss in mundane days, and documenting life in all it's beauty. I also have some miraculous Wonderfully Filled Wombs stories being prepared for here.
It'll likely be messy and not nearly as well articulated or as frequent as before, but here's to picking up writing again.
0 comments:
Post a Comment