Sex is not a bad word....

 There... I said it.
Some of you may have simply opened this blog because you wanted to find out what would posses me to say the word SEX.  But for those of you who may not have known me in high school or college, let me give you a little back story...
After getting saved at age 11, I was quickly thrown into youth group 1 year later. I'll never forget being in the church fellowship hall the first time I heard SEX in church and it wasn't by my youth pastor or even in his presence... but rather from one of the teens sharing her latest adventure with her boyfriend. I remember being embarrassed, leaving the room to "use the restroom" and being even more humiliated when I came back to find the group still laughing about the details. I was the youngest in the group and they could immediately tell I was uncomfortable but no fear.. she reassured me that it was "just like test driving a car before buying it." 
What I saw then as my "good girl conscious" eating at me, I later recognize as the Holy Spirit speaking loud and clear. Please don't take this the wrong way... I don't look back and think "how dare she" or "why didn't she commit to purity?" I'm not here to judge her lack of conviction on the issue, I'm just trying to show you how SEX became a bad word for me. 
It made me feel uncomfortable.... mainly because every time I heard it was during a romantic comedy or inappropriate conversation... This always resulting in that yucky feeling I now know as conviction. 
It wasn't until I was 15 with a different youth group that I actually had it explained in a setting that didn't make me want to run out to "use the restroom." That year my youth pastor started a True Love Waits study at our church called "Living Pure Inside and Out." For the first time that I remember,  SEX wasn't a bad word or a conversation avoided by married Christians but yet explained in all of it's beauty. Those Sunday nights spent chilling on couches in that run-down youth house changed my view forever. We were finally not just commanded as young people NOT to have sex but WHY we should wait TO have sex when we were married. We had the tough conversations of "how far is too far" and "how to say no before even being asked." After the study was over, I committed to waiting on the Lord and keeping my body, heart, and mind pure through His strength. 
This only made me and my best friend (who also committed) the total black sheep when it came to many conversations. I can remember many awkward conversations at the lunch table where I sat red-faced and shaking my head. All of my friends knew about my commitment and conviction. 
I was the "Christian girl" and even more strange ... "the virgin."
I don't want to paint a false picture here.... most of my friends respected my choice. Some even found it honorable. Attempted persuasion or mocking were NOT a common occurrence. 
In my close group of friends taunting persecution was not the struggle. The struggle came in being referred to as the "perfect girl." You know the one that didn't drink, smoke or have sex. 
Because of this eventually conversations changed. 
Some avoided the topic.
Some were secretive (as if I wouldn't find out).
Some dismissed me as too inexperienced to understand.
None of which I minded too much.
As I got to college the conversations developed into....
Why are you waiting?
Wait until you start dating.... then get back to me.
Well let me give you a piece of advice on sex..... (yeah you're not who I want it from).
Thank God before my wedding I was blessed to have a few married Christian women talk with me in a God-honoring way that didn't make my stomach churn.
When I really realized the issue though was after marriage.... 
let me give you a two examples:
I was at my five year class reunion this past summer. I hadn't seen most of these friends since becoming a wife. Being that many of us have transitioned from singles to marrieds recently some comment was made that lead to the word SEX being used. 
What used to be a conversation I would have to shy away from was now something I could relate to. 
It wasn't a long conversation about it or even anything more than a joke referencing the married couples, but when the word SEX came out of my mouth I immediately felt some stares. One of my friends expressed out loud their shock that I would say that word. 
"I just can't think about that," they said. 
The 2nd example happened with a young adult in our church. After asking me when we were going to have a baby and if we were trying, I responded  with "we're doing everything on our end, just waiting on God." She immediately flipped out and explained that she couldn't think about that (wait a minute... didn't you just ask if I was trying to have baby? You're 21... you do know how that happens right?). Anyways she went on to tell me that she still wanted to think of me as "innocent Brandy" so she couldn't hear that. 
I don't blame these two situations on the people who made the statements.... rather I blame them on the Christian people in their life... I blame them on myself.
As Christian men and women we have allowed the word SEX to become a bad word. We have allowed movies, television, novels, magazines, and sexually active singles lead the conversation and perception of sex. Instead of talking about it an appropriate context, we don't talk about it at all. This leaves all of the influence in the hands of people who don't treat SEX as the beautiful, holy physical union given by God for husband and wife. 
We leave it to the pastors or the youth pastors to briefly skim these topics with out youth.
Here's the deal... it's not just their job. And it's not just the youth that needs to hear about it.
What broke my heart specifically with the second conversation was that she simply couldn't hear/think about it because in her mind it made me loose my "innocence." 
We've set this up so that singles can hear about it from those unwed and sexually active or the superstars or the soap operas or the romantic comedies. 
But they can't hear it from someone who waited until it was beautiful and wonderful with a man who waited as well. From two people who got the pleasure of experiencing it as God designed.
What breaks my heart is that SEX as whole is seen as pure or impure. Innocent or guilty.
It eliminates the conversation about the hurt in SEX outside of marriage and, even worse, the conversation about the beauty in SEX inside of marriage.
I'm not talking about trying to share the personal details here.
I'm talking about people not being able to even hear of married people having SEX.... REALLY?
Like all of sudden it becomes embarrassing because married people have SEX?
My sister made a similar comment last night trying to ignore that I'm married and have SEX.
I simply told her that I'd rather her know from me than from her unmarried friends. 
That's why I write this.... because I'm burdened for the young people being raised to think it's all or nothing. Good or bad. Right or wrong. Innocent or guilty. Pure or impure. 
I'm burdened for the married people who may struggle thinking it's wrong or embarrassing. 
I'm burdened by articles like the one about the girl who waited and wish she hadn't. 
I'm burdened for the girls who are hearing it's just like a test drive. 
This is not me writing to teens/young adults trying to convince them to stay sexually pure.
 That is a blog for another time.
This is me writing to two groups...
1. The singles and unbelievers..... please don't listen to and think on views of sex from everywhere else EXCEPT the married Christian. When they say the word SEX, stop making them feel guilty, embarrassed, impure, or inappropriate. 
2. More importantly, the married believers... this blog is for you. Stop treating SEX as a bad word and avoiding the topic at all costs. Stop feeling guilty, embarrassed, impure and inappropriate when you are open that you and your spouse have sex. Stop neglecting the beauty in God's great gift.
We need to be the influence.
We need to have those talks with our teenagers and young adults.
With our children, siblings, and little sisters in Christ. 
With the dating, engaged and newly married. 
We need to stop talking about SEX as a bad word.
We need to start talking about SEX as the blessing it is from the Lord when received in marriage. 
Titus 2:2-7:
Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Likewise urge the younger men to be self-controlled. Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned.



  1. YES! I agree with so much of this... And that article about the girl who wished she hadn't waited weighed heavily on me, too. I actually wrote a rebuttal post, but haven't published! Thanks for taking a "risk" and writing about something that shouldn't be so hard to write about!' Love you!!

    1. Just noticed that my reply didn't publish! (Hopefully you're not getting this twice!) Anyways, I look forward to reading your rebuttal! I thought several times about one but couldn't summarize it to one blog haha

  2. I've had some similar experiences to yours--I was one of the only married students at my beauty school, and sometimes I'd walk into the breakroom, and my classmates would pipe up, "Oh, Rachel, I don't think you want to hear this conversation." as a warning. And I agree. I didn't want to hear their conversations, but I thought it was interesting that even my classmates seemed out to "protect" me from what they talked about while I was the married one. On other occasions though a couple girls did openly ask me about waiting for marriage and why, and I was glad I was able to talk about it.

    1. I love when God opens the door for me to talk about that! Sadly it happens 1/20 times or so! :/

  3. Great post!!!! You are so right. As a society we have developed such a skewed view of marriage. As married Christians we need to share and remind people of the uniqueness of sex. A distinct intimacy that should be enjoyed only in marriage.

    1. Amen and amen! It is so unique and beautiful... if only others could see that :) Thanks for you sweet words!

  4. Thanks Mariel! That's so true. We need to be painting the picture... not the media and unmarried teenagers.


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