To the girl just beginning to struggle with fertility

A few days ago I met someone through a mutual friend. After nonchalantly mentioning a "hope chest," she asked if I was trying to get pregnant. I shared that yes we had been for some time. She shared in the frustration and began talking about how difficult  it was and how sick she was of everyone telling her to "relax."

I could relate all too well. She proceeded to tell me that she'd been trying for 4 months and her OB wanted to wait another full year before beginning any testing. As the conversation progressed, she asked how long we'd been trying. I explained that we were in the two week wait of month 17. 

While to some that seems like a brief waiting, I could tell from her expression that to her it was an eternity... just like it is to me. I knew the thoughts that were going through her head before she even opened her mouth. 

Guilt for complaining when hers hasn't been "that" long.
Fear that she might be in my shoes in 17 months instead of the ones planning a 1st birthday party. 
Curiosity in how I've handled it month after month. 

I know because those same thoughts used to run through my mind when I had only been trying a few months.
 I know because those thoughts still run through my mind when I talk with someone who's been struggling to conceive for 3,5,7 years.

Women start struggling with it at different periods. I've talked to some women that didn't really feel stressed until it had been 9mo or so and some who got anxiety after 2 or 3. 

For me it got really rough about 5-6mo in. 

As this sweet girl I was chatting with started expressing that she was sorry she'd been complaining.
 I explained that I too was crazy and frustrated and over the waiting at that point. 
I too hated hearing those stories because I didn't want to consider the possibility of waiting this long.
 I too wondered how women survived month after month with no baby to call their own. 

I shared a few tips with her and I want to share them with you.... because infertility is a world all of it's own. 

Whether you've been trying for 3, 6, 12, or 24 months... here are some thoughts when starting out.

1. PRAY..... about everything, not just a baby. 

I know this probably sounds like the cliche Sunday School answer. But so many people out of desperation for a baby jump right in to testing, procedures, medicines without any direction from the Lord. Ask Him what He wants you to do and then do it. Ask Him for peace about the paths He wants you to walk down and ask Him to make you miserable over the paths He doesn't. This is why we're at a standstill with appointments. Though Clomid and IUI are being offered to us, we simply don't feel peace with those. Also don't forget to pray for strength and purpose in this season. For God to teach you and mold you and to accomplish His will. I beg God every month for a baby, but there are other pieces of infertility to pray over too. 

2. Find your support people. 

Not everyone has a blog or feels called to share the details of their uterus with the world wide web like I do. My husband and I were open about our conviction to not use birth control and desire to have kids right away so we didn't really have the option of hiding our infertility. However, even within that I have my people. The people I text when I'm having a rough day. When I see a 15 year old in Walmart with a baby bump. When I get my period after being certain I was pregnant. You need those people. Choose wisely and then teach them what you need. They're going to want to "fix" it at first likely.... explain you just need someone to listen. To mourn. To cry with you. Most importantly to pray for you. 

3. Keep it intimate... and fun!

Some of the best advice given to me in those early months was to NOT do a sex schedule. For every 1 person who shared that, I had 30 others suggesting ovulation kits and basal body temp charting. I'm not saying they're awful or that you should never use them but for the sake of your marriage, don't kill the intimacy. It's not rocket science... there's a week within there that God naturally designed for you to make a baby. Have fun with it. There are many ways to get him to the bedroom without saying "I'm ovulating, we need to make a baby." <----- not romantic

4. Do your research.

I have a very close friend who went through infertility so even before marriage I knew a ton about it. Joel on the other hand did not. Do your research on Clomid, IUI, IVF, testing, & possible issues. Some people assume that if there's a problem, it can only be fixed by doing IVF. That's usually not the case. Also within that research, pray about what you're comfortable with. If you have for sure lines, draw them up front before you get half way into an IVF cycle and decide it's not for you. 

5. Find a Reproductive Center.

This is for you IF you pray about testing and feel peace with proceeding! I have 2 friends I can think of immediately that felt led to not pursue the medical side at all. No testing. No treatments. It's part of their testimony and I think it's awesome! But for those of you that do feel led to get testing and consider your options PLEASE find a fertility specialist. I know it's scary and it's a big jump. I'm sure your OB will act like they know how to handle it. But they specialize in pregnancy... not getting people there. I'm not saying everything they say is wrong but why not see someone who specializes in it? I hear from girls all the time who went to an OB for many years without a real plan of action. Most places will start accepting you after 6 months of trying for minor testing (blood work & ultrasound). Then they help you make a game plan for if that one year mark comes. 

6. Lastly, I need to be honest.

It might not get easier, it just gets more normal. (At least for me.) Some women have shared with me that it got easier for them. I haven't hit that point yet and I don't know if I ever will. It doesn't get easier to watch so many around me have growing baby bumps and beautifully decorated nurseries.... but the feeling gets more normal. It doesn't get easier to get a negative every single month.... but the feeling gets more normal. 
I can remember saying last spring that if we made it to our 1 year anniversary and weren't pregnant, I would lose it. And while yes there are days I lose it, I find strength to get through one month at a time. I sit here and I don't know how I could handle another Christmas with an empty womb but I know that if I get to that point, the Lord will get me through. 
Our bodies are made to keep breathing... even if our baby home sits vacant.

I would love to hear your story. Be someone you can vent to. Pray for you and with you as you journey to conceive.
Email me anytime at

For those of you dealing with infertility, what would you add to this list? 
Leave them in the comments! 
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  1. We only were trying for four months and yet it was beginning to get hard for me. I'm so sorry you've been having to try for so long and I pray God brings you your perfect baby soon!

  2. Every time I come here, your blog is exactly what I need to hear. Thank you for sharing your struggle and what the Lord is teaching you through it so openly. We are in month 16 of TTC, and honestly it was getting easier, and to the point where we just let it go, put our focus on the other things God has in our lives right now, and said it will happen when it happens, but then I stoped having a period and started experiencing some pregnancy symptoms, and we suddenly thought - this is it! Sadly, after some blood testing we found out I wasn't pregnant, I was crushed, and now my doctor is starting in on trying to figure out what's up with my cycle and testing for thyroid problems because I haven't had a period in 2.5 months now. So I feel like we took two steps forward into a place of peace, and now we're kinda two steps back from where we were. All that to say, I needed this reminder. Thank you.

    I'm definitely keeping you in my prayers and praying for your womb!

  3. This is such a huge encouragement. Thank you. <3

  4. How beautifully encouraging! Thank you for sharing!

  5. It's a feeling so many can relate to Susannah. Our bodies are made to bear children and when that's not happening it's hard... with each month it just gets harder. Thank you for you prayers friend.

  6. :( I'm so sorry Stephanie. That's got to be exhausting. :( Still praying for you <3

  7. This is great- good, honest encouragement. We've been struggling for a little more than two years, now, and prayer... oh, prayer.

  8. Oh I praise God for prayer... It gets me through over and over and over again. I'm sorry you too know this struggle Ally.


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