moments we thought we'd never make it through

Eight years ago from this past Wednesday (May 6th, 2007), I left church planning for a sunny afternoon on the lake with my best friend’s family. I was almost to her house when I got the call from my mom. The one filled with panic carefully reserved. The one that warned us to not leave town. The one that was followed by the call that my dad was gone. The one that shattered my world. I was 16 and though I had the hope of salvation, I can’t say I’m sure my dad had the same. That week, month, year lent itself to moments where I wondered if I’d smile. Moments when I wondered if the sun would ever rise again. Moments where I wondered if my heart would ever heal.

One year ago from the this past Tuesday (May 5th, 2014), the shoulder surgery I had been needing took place. It had been 4 frustrating months since our car accident that were filled with physical therapy, doctor appointments, shots, pain and ultimately no progress. I was newly married but couldn’t wash my own hair let alone cook dinner and do laundry. It had been a frustrating time and I was more than ready to get back to normal. Those next few days and weeks caused me moments of such pain that I wondered if I’d made the right decision. Moments I wondered if maybe impatience had got the best of me. Moments I wondered if my shoulder would ever heal. 

One year ago from yesterday (May 8th, 2014), I sat on my couch three days post op and sobbed crocodile tears that seemed endless knowing that my Pa was now gone too. We made the crazy difficult trip to VA for a weekend to grieve that ended too soon. It was different this time because I knew where Pa was and I knew he wasn’t suffering. I returned to DE without my family around me, husband back to work, and my wounded self stuck on the couch with so much sorrow. Though there was joy and praise for the Lord’s faithfulness in my Pa’s salvation, there was still sorrow. Those days and weeks held moments where I wondered why I was in so much pain. Moments where I wondered if the same God who’d saved my Pa would come comfort me. Moments where I wondered if the valley would ever end. 

I say all of that to say this. 

All of those seasons ended. 
I got to place where smiling became easy again and where crying wasn’t a daily thing. 

Slowly but surely my shoulder became better. At first it was small things like buttoning my pants and cooking at the stove. Though I could do them, it still hurt. I progressed and felt ecstatic when I could finally wash my hair and fold a basket of clothes. They didn’t come without pain but they did come. I’m happy to say that I now do most tasks without any pain. There are some though that still get me hurting. Some that still make me go to bed aching.

The heartbreak from my dad’s death and the grief from my Pa’s passing are the same way. Most moments life goes on as normal. 
The grief isn’t as strong. 
The pain is not as breathtaking. 
But there are times when the hurt comes seeping in. 

But I don’t wonder anymore.

As I sit here and recount the difficult seasons that are all marked by dates this past week brought,
 I also recount the faithfulness of God.

Through each of those seasons God never left me and He never wasted it.
Every moment, day, week, and month of wondering and hurting lead to a deeper love for the only One who satisfies me.

Every difficult moment was(is) another opportunity for the Lord to prove His faithfulness and deepen my faith. Every difficult moment was(is) worth it.

I’m sharing this with you but also with myself.
It’s good to remember that God gets us through the moments we thought we’d never make it through. 

As I sit in a different season here in 2015, one with wonderings all of its own. 
Wonderings about the hope for a baby and the start of our next ministry season. 
Wonderings about this blog and transparency in my day to day.

But this time around I don’t wonder if He’ll use this. 
I don’t wonder if He’s good. 
I don’t wonder if He’s forgotten me. 

Because I know.
Not the I heard it Sunday School know.
But the I’ve seen His goodness and faithfulness know.

"I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
    but now my eye sees you." 
Job 42.5

And I pray that today no matter what season you’re in that you’ll know too.
That He IS GOOD! 
He IS for you!
He IS faithful!

HE will never leave you! 

"This I know, that God is for me." 
Psalm 56.9
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