to the woman with a baby in a baby carriage....

I saw you from a distance as I left the medical arts pavilion. 
How could I miss you with your cute little baby stroller & Pinterest perfect cart cover? 
I could tell right away from your location and mine, we would have to share the sidewalk. 
In true friendly southern fashion, I mustered up my best smile for you. 
I managed to share my soft grin as you approached and then turned my eyes back to the ground. 
 I couldn't quite get out my usual "hello, how are you?" but I didn't want to seem rude. 
Besides, how could you know the appointment I was walking out from? 
There's no way you could know that it had now been a year. 
That I was officially dealing with "infertility."
That I was there trying to gain the very blessing you strolled with so casually. 
Just as I thought I was in the clear, you stopped me. 
You "LOVED" my sweater... so you said... it was "SO CUTE". 
"Thank you," I said softly knowing you probably had no clue.
You had no clue I chose that sweater on purpose. 
That I picked it because it's dainty & pretty. 
That it makes me feel pretty which is kind of important coming to an appointment like this one.
You probably had no idea how insecure I was feeling that day.
You probably couldn't read the mix of emotions I had felt in the last 30 minutes.
Walking into the building dreading the awkwardness of being exposed on a cold table...
but even worse, wondering if they would find something that said my dreams wouldn't be possible.
Leaving relieved that it was over and my dreams weren't crushed,
 but sad that there was not fixable problem found. 
Leaving knowing waiting was the only real instruction.
As I loafed on across the parking lot with the cold wind blowing in my face I thought of so many things I would say to you if I could. 
You were already in the building, for a baby check up I'm sure, and chances are you wouldn't have cared what I had to say... but maybe you would.
Maybe just maybe you could recognize the mixed expressions of longing and relief. 
Maybe you had once walked that same sidewalk in my shoes instead of yours. 
Maybe you wanted to tell me "one day you'll have this and the wait will have been worth it"...
but you settled on complimenting my sweater instead. 
Or maybe you needed to say something to avoid your overwhelming situation. 
Maybe you didn't "plan" for this baby and the season is not ideal for you. 
Maybe you're not married yet or still in college or were at a pinnacle in pursuit of your career. 
Maybe the sleepless nights are wearing on you and you feel you just weren't cut out for this.
Or maybe you always dreamed of this, got pregnant almost immediately, 
and are having the time of your life being mom and you simply just liked my sweater. 
I don't know... because I don't know you. 
I don't know what situation you come from. 
I don't know if you had it easy conceiving, carrying or delivering your baby. 
I don't know if your baby is a boy or a girl, was "planned" by you or was a "surprise" to you. 
I don't know if your baby keeps you up all night or lets you get your rest.
But here's what I do know....
I would love to be in your shoes.
I would love to be at a newborn check up instead of a fertility screening.
I would love to care less what I'm dressed in because I spent my time nursing and dressing a lil one.
I would love to know that I have a sweet baby to take home and snuggle on this cold day. 
I don't say this to make you feel guilty for having what I want, catching my attention, 
or stopping me to compliment my sweater.
I don't say this to make you feel sorry for me or get any pity from you.
I don't say this thinking that you don't cherish every second.
I say this knowing that one day I'll be in your shoes.
I say this knowing that God has me on the journey I'm on for a reason.
I say this knowing that He's teaching me invaluable lessons and drawing me closer to His heart.
I say this knowing that I'll be a different parent because I went through this.
I say this knowing I'll be a different friend because I went through this.
 I say this hoping that I'll take the time to appreciate what so many take for granted.
I say this hoping that you too will do the same.
I say this hoping that you'll take time to thank the Creator of life for your miracle.
I say this hoping that you'll spend extra time snuggling instead of worrying about the dishes.
I say this hoping you'll spend the awake mid-night hours breathing in precious moments in the dark instead of complaining about them on Facebook.
I say this hoping that you'll realize what a crazy awesome gift you have.
I say this hoping that you'll give extra kisses and take lots of pictures.
I say this hoping that you'll never get tired of hearing them coo or watching them smile.
I say this hoping that you'll count it as such a blessing to be a mommy.
I say this hoping that tonight when you sit rocking and feeding you'll pray for the me's in your life.
I say this hoping that you'll look around and realize that 
for every "mom" friend there's a "want-to-be mom" friend. 
I say this hoping that even if they haven't shared it with you, you'll recognize their longing.
I say this hoping you'll pray for them while you snuggle that baby extra tight tonight.
Much love & many blessings,
the girl in the white lace sweater



  1. I love this. I may be a mom now, but I went years & years with heartache [ 2 miscarriages] thinking I would never get to experience what all the mama's around me were blessed dealing with. <3

  2. oh my heart aches as I read this. I am not yet a mom, and not yet trying to be, but I hope some day I will. I can't imagine the struggles you're going through but this was beautifully written.

  3. Beautifully written - you're so right about "want-to-be mom" friends. I think people sometimes forget we exist too!

  4. Ashley thanks for stopping by! Praise God that you're now a mama :) Stories like that bless me so much!

  5. Thank you for the sweet words Kelly. It's a beautifully broken blessing... it's hard to explain.

  6. So true Elise! It's a very private struggle that some people choose not to share and sometimes even if we do, other moms forget about our feelings. I'm blessed with some really great friends who handle it well but I know many don't have that support :(

  7. I know how u feel. I miscarried the first time and had some trouble getting pregnant. I hurts 2 see others with what u want. I do know God has the perfect plan and time. Since he is the author of the story just start praising him and enjoy your new husband. Read the story of David and Goliath. He was told he would b a king and then placed back n the field as a Shepard. He was n waiting. I wish I could do better with my waiting. I'm praying 4 u guys. Love ya girl!

  8. Love you Jess! Strange you said that... I read through 1 Samuel & 2 Samuel over the summer and it was the first time that realization hit me. I imagined what it must be like to be him.... I feel the same way right now.... I know I'm supposed to me a mama but it's just not my time yet. (there's a blog in the making about this.) thanks for reading and for the encouragement :)

  9. Yes. This is me right now. My husband and I have been married for 6 months, gotten pregnant without trying and i have miscarried twice. It can be hard sometimes. Sending prayers your way!

  10. May I speak as an older sister-in-Christ? One who has been exactly where you are? I'll pray for you, but let me share with you what I would share with my younger self if I could. Your road is not unknown to me. It took close to 3 years for me to conceive. We went thru fertility treatments that never worked. I've miscarried. Praise the Lord, you've never yet had to hold the child your body rejected. All that to say, I know. I know what it's like to leave a party early because a friend told you she was expecting, and you just couldn't keep it together an other minute. I know. But this is what I'd tell myself.

    One year will feel like eternity, two will feel like you've died inside, by the time you start that 3rd year you'll be thinking about adoption. But be encouraged because something like 80% of couples conceive within 2 years unassisted. You're just starting that second year, and you've got (hopefully) 12 chances to conceive! (I only had about 2 chances during a year. My stats weren't that great.)
    Once you get that precious little one, you can never go back. Of course, who would want to. But you'll miss the spontaneity with your husband; dates at Sonic at 12AM, weekend trips that you didn't plan till Saturday morning.
    When you're on the flip side and celebrating birthdays, you'll realize just how short a year, or two, or three is. It's very sobering. You see that in the grand scheme of things you didn't have to wait so very long.
    Just in case you consider me a hater and a know it all and you've not read any that I've written so far, let me say READ THIS one thing. Get your Free T3 and Free T4 thyroid hormones checked. You'll ask your fertility doc if he checked you thyroid and he'll smile, nod, and say yes, but he may have only checked your TSH. That's what mine did. It was totally normal. But I had zero, as in 0, nada, zip, zilch T4. It was my GP who looked at those numbers and put me on Synthroid. That's when it finally happened. Even if you doc checked T3 and 4, I would see a GP for a second opinion. Fertility doctors have one thing on their mind: money. They want you to have a baby using the most expensive methods. Synthrod's real cheap and they don't get any of the glory.
    Lastly, fertility treatments will ruin your love life, if not your marriage. It's not worth it. When everything is calculated and prescribed by a doctor it gets to be a real drag. You don't want to do it because the doc said to. That's too personal. My marriage relationship took a big hit during treatments. Let me say it again, it's not worth it.

    That's what I'd tell myself, but I wouldn't have listened to me. I'd have continued putting my life on hold while I waited for those two little purple lines to show up.

  11. So sorry to hear that Hannah. Praying for you and your husband.

  12. Hi Sarah! Thanks for stopping by and pouring out your advice. As you probably read in there, I know this will all be a memory one day... but as I'm sure you know from experience, that doesn't take away the longing in the moment. Husband and I are definitely taking this time to enjoy just us and we LOVE this season... we just at the same time want a baby.

    I haven't had my T3 & T4 checked that I know of! Thanks for the advice!
    We made the decision before we ever started to not do fertility treatments. We are doing diagnostic stuff but have very clear lines drawn trying to protect our marriage. I won't even do ovulation kits because I refuse to be on a sex schedule and ruin that romance in our marriage.

    Thanks for sharing your heart with me. It's always good for me to hear the testimonies of those who have gone through it and come out on the other side.

  13. Sarah, I have to say, as a woman currently pregnant after five years and IVF, that I take great exception to your second to last paragraph. My marriage was strengthened by the teamwork of trying to conceive. Comforting each other through roughly 50-60 monthly heartbreaks is good practice in supporting each other while also grieving. It taught us selflessness, courage, faith, and perseverance, and proved that there's nothing the three of us (husband, God, I) can't do together. Infertility treatments were ABSOLUTELY worth it for us!! Not all journeys are the same, not all marriages are either. Brandy, if treatments are in your future, don't be afraid of them - go in with your eyes open and your husband's hand firmly in yours.

  14. Hey Katie! I am always so encouraged to hear of marriages that were stregthened through it. I know that it is such a beautifully rare occurrance. Due to personal reasons we have chosen no to do IVF or IUI.... not that we find them sinful or anything like that. I'm so glad y ou are now pregnant!!! :) I'm sure you are thrilled as you all prepare for your little one! I pray that as husband and I venture this journey together we will come out on the other side stronger and closer to God than ever. Thanks for sharing a piece of your story!

  15. Stopping by from The Morrell Tale -- I loved this post, so much! I can *kind of* relate. While I now have a baby, we did try for a year before we were blessed to get pregnant. So while I'm on the "other side" of the story, and didn't struggle for too much longer than is "normal" (I hated that, don't you?) I've been in your shoes, somewhat. I'll be praying for your sweet family, that a sweet babe while join you soon!

  16. Thanks for stopping by Britt! :) I so hate how that "normal" word they throw around... I' want to scream so what now? Im abnormal? haha... And truly any month of a longing womb is tough. I can remember hitting this point at 9mo that I thought I would lose my mind ha. Now I'm sitting at 16 and it still feels like an eternity ha.

  17. Haha, you're definitely not abnormal :) The month I lost it was month 6. I was like 2.5 weeks late and I took a blood pregnancy test, and it was negative and then my period started on Valentine's Day. The worst! And you're so welcome :)


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