not too good to be true

In September of 2016, we stayed at Topsail Island for vacation after my sister got married there. I remember taking a pregnancy test along with me in hopes that I might just need it while I was there. It was the first month after Levi had been born where Joel and I both kind of hoped that I'd be pregnant again. 

I know some think we're crazy, but we've always wanted our children to be close in age and we have just so adored this time with Levi that we were thrilled to do it again.

That week, I tested and it was a NO. With that NO, we (not so formally) decided that from there we would start more intentionally trying for another baby. 

I didn't know what to expect this time around. I knew there was a decent chance it could take us a little while given our struggle last time. I also dreaded the thought that it could take much longer that than last time. But deep down there was this part of me that really hoped we'd be that story we'd heard so many times.... took a long time with the first but after that it came so quick. 

I had mixed emotions. Thankful to feel more prepared this time. Dreading a monthly roller coaster again. 

This year of trying lead to a lot of different emotions and thoughts. None of them as exhausting or painful as our first time trying for a lot of reasons that I won't get into here. I will say it's NOT because I believe primary infertility is always harder than secondary. I definitely do not. But for us, this year has been so much easier that our first year of trying with Levi. 

There were times I wondered if Levi would have a hard time with his friends having siblings. (Most already have or will in the next few months... and Levi is obsessed with babies.)
Times this summer where I was actually thankful not to be pregnant yet because I hate the heat even when not pregnant and Levi loved being outside.
Times when I longed to be pregnant with all my friends again.
Times when reality reminded me again that most don't have to struggle to get pregnant.
Times when I loved this season with Levi so much, I didn't want anything to change.

But overall, I mostly just felt so overwhelmingly thankful to have got to go through pregnancy and birth the first time. What an crazy blessing Levi has been to us. Though the thought of never being pregnant again, would have made me so sad, I would have still been so incredibly thankful to have just done it once. It's a reality some families never get to experience and in light of that I never want to be ungrateful for the privilege.

So this year as we headed back to Topsail Island for family vacation, I knew it would mark a year of trying and also be the time to find out if we had another on the way. 

We arrived on Saturday and really just spend the first couple days settling in. I shared with my sister that I was late on Monday and she wanted to go pronto to get a test ha. I wasn't in a super hurry because my cycle had fooled me before and honestly it just seemed too good to be true. On Tuesday while we were at the grocery, I caved and bought a test. The signs weren't going away and I just had to know.

When we got back to the beach house, Joel was preparing a sermon. {Did I mention that he's now one of the pastors at our church? That's another story of God's faithfulness for another time.} Anyways, he was busy. My sister and my cousin wanted to play Bananagrams (one of our favorite games... think scrabble on speed). I had to potty first so I decided to just go ahead and take it. I called my sister upstairs as if I needed her for something. 

There in that gorgeous vacation house came some of my favorite moments. I watched that 2nd line form almost immediately and me and my sis had the biggest quiet celebration you can imagine. (I can't believe I didn't have my camera.)  We composed ourselves as much as possible and went back downstairs to "play banangrams." We filled my cousin in on the news and plan. We pretended to play the game but really we were putting together this: 

Once we got it all set, I asked Joel if he could come in there for a minute. He says he had no idea what I needed as he come from the other room. But it didn't take him long to figure it out. 

He was thrilled of course. "Really?" he chuckled. It was so nice being composed enough to take in his response this time. 

Then of course we share with Levi. He was so excited he pooped himself. HA. Maybe the news wasn't the cause. 

Although I'm not sure he got it right then, he's definitely starting to understand. It helps that his best friend just had a baby brother and he knew his momma had a baby in her belly.

My sister also snagged some sweet pictures of us telling our moms. 

We are just over the moon and so so excited to have another child growing inside of me. Levi is extra obsessed with babies now and points to my belly saying "baby" as well.... he also thinks the pregnancy test makes a fantastic sword. HA. 

I'm due May 21st and will be 7 weeks on Monday. My progesterone is a little low like it was with Levi so I am taking progesterone again but other than that all seems well. I'm nauseous and tired but thankful for the opportunity to be nauseous and tired. We'll go for our first ultrasound mid October and I can't wait. We are praising the Lord for this beautiful gift knowing that He is the Creator of life and the Giver of every good thing.

*I don't write this without knowing that it will be hard for some of you to read. That you'll wonder when will it be your turn or if your child will ever be big sibling. I know nothing takes away that pain but I want you to know that in the midst of another pregnancy announcement, you have not been forgotten or ignored but prayed for and grieved with. I pray your miracle comes oh so soon and in the mean time you'll feel God's great big arms wrapped around you.*



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